Tattoed Fruits

No, I’m not bashing gays. This is actually about having produce on our shelves that is just one step away from having body piercings.

You see I’m a professional chef. I havnt been in the industry for quite some time, but even as far back as the 80s I can remember produce suppliers bringing me cases of apples or oranges where each individual fruit had one of these stickers on them. I remember what I asked myself after seeing this for the first time. ” What is this shit ?”

I asked the delivery guy why I was getting stickers on my food. He told me that the case was actually for a market but he accidently got the cases mixed up and if I wouldnt mind taking this one because he already dropped of the one intended for me. Not seeing any real disadvantage to accepting it I said o.k..

That was a mistake. For the first time in my life I realized what a hassle these little stickers were. I had to pay my dishwasher an extra hours pay to pull each and every one of these bastards off. Then he had to get a 3m scouring pad and a little soap to get off the remaining adhesive. This left a small abrasion on about half the pieces in the order. Needless to say(but I’ll say it anyway) I called the produce company and told them they owed me some compensation towards my labor costs and a half a case of apples. When I explained to them why they apolgized and sent me a free case of apples with my next delivery.

But still up untill this very day, I hate the little fuckers. I dont put bumper stickers on my car so why the hell would I want one on my fruit ? These days I am the one that wears the apron around the house ( its a long story)   I do all the shopping and cooking and every other domestic chore that would fall upon the average housewife.

After years of bitching about these little things I finally decided to do some investigating. To my surprise I found out that I am not alone in my contempt for this inconvenience the agricultural world has bestowed upon us.

I always thought that these stickers were for idiot cashiers that didnt know an apple from and orange and of course the numbers on the sticker is a code for the price. This system pisses me off bacause I was a cashier at a large grocery outlet in the 70s and we had to know what we were selling and at least something about the product as to be informative to the customer. We didnt have scanners and we had to know our prices by going around the store in the morning and jotting down any chage in prices. And usually the produce guy would tell us a little something about the product and how it was used. This way we could actually perform the lost art of ” customer service” How many cashiers these days could even point out a spagetti squash to you , or gave some idea how its prepaired ?

My investigation today lead me to this article in the NYT ( yea I know) If you want to read the whole thing, go here


Tattooed Fruit Is on way ( as if the stickers werent bad enough)

Published: July 19, 2005

A pear is just a pear, except when it is also a laser-coded information delivery system with advanced security clearance.

And that is what pears – not to mention organic apples, waxy cucumbers and delicate peaches – are becoming in some supermarkets around the country. A new technology being used by produce distributors employs lasers to tattoo fruits and vegetables with their names, identifying numbers, countries of origin and other information that helps speed distribution.

The article goes on to mention the other reasons for turning our food into the Borg. These tattoes are not too far away from actually being scanner friendly. And the numbers are also there as security tracking measures since 911. WHAT?, I mean WHAT!?

I’m all about security. And I’m all for profiling at the airport, I dont care who it pisses off. You can read any e-mail I get from Afghanistan, and I want a big ass wall on both borders. And if I’m seen dating a chick in a burka I wont get mad if you give me a second look And if I could kick every illegal out of the country I would. But have we actually gotten to the point where a canteloupe could be a dirty bomb ? And we have to put a sticker on each piece of produce that will tell you its origin, organic or not, and if so what kind of pesticide was used , who picked it along with his family background ?

Pretty soon having your own little veggie garden will be crime while the real bad guys sit back and eat their cous cous with no stickers and laugh their ass off. While our borders are still wide ass open and we have do it yourself terrorist websites up and running 24/7. Our power grid is wide open, water supply, you name it. And we are spending money on this as preventative measure to a terrorist attack?                 By the time one these fruits hits the stand, its too late !

So here we are 25-30 years later and I’m still asking my self “what is this shit” ?



  1. I didn’t think I’d live long enough to see the day I’d be saying it, micky2, but I couldn’t agree with you more.



  2. Always a pleasure to have a compliment from you my freind.
    Thank you.

  3. You’re welcome. It was very sincere.

  4. Micky: I saw the laser thingie on a tv show, I think it was on “How It’s Made”
    I loved it! So long as they arn’t genetically engineering them to grow their own labels, I’m good.

    I hate those stickers. I especially hate when the sticker falls off and the retarded cashier just stares at the item, clueless as to what it is.

    It’s a fucking nectarine. Yes, I know it looks like a peach. It’s a type of peach. It’s called a nectarine. Maybe if you’re momma had forced some produce down your gaping maw, the nutrition would’a staved off your obvious retardation.


    (I’m still in a bad mood. Does it show?)

  5. Actually I have an associates science in rest. mngmnt and about 30 culinary certificates, and 3 apprenticships with three of the best chefs in the world.One being certificates qualifying me ias a nutritionist along with menu planning. I am a professional chef, and so is my mother. I recieved an astoundingly well amount of balanced nourishment as a child.
    And enough insight along with it to know that if you shoved a banana up your ass with a bumper sticker on it that says “honk if you’re horny” you would be alot happier.

    Love ya !

  6. Yeah, that middle part (from “It’s a” through “Die!”) was me telling off a cashier. You can edit in quotes for clarity, if you want. Or we could start a blogwar and blow this bitch up.


  7. I wasnt sure, so I figured I would just piss you off anyway for the hell of it.

    I take back the banana thing, just wipe it off first please.

    Still love ya. I hope you know Its all in good fun.

    I.ve been down for about 18 hours, it fucks me all up when that happens. (in the head)

  8. You didn’t piss me off — and you aint gettin my fuckin bananna.

    And I do mean ‘fuckin’ bananna.
    It’s currently in my cream pie — and I didn’t wipe it off!

  9. Does your cream pie drag 3 ft. behind you ? And leave a trail like a snail ?
    Afetr pulling anything out of your ass its always good to wipe it off before you put it in pie.
    As a journeyman in my sexual adolesence , along with being up for 3 days on crank. A lady and I went anal and then pie wise and then anal and…

    The doctor said the rash was called “honeymooners disease”

    Be careful.

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